The Culchies guide to Dublin
The Culchies guide to Dublin
It then dawned on me that these out-of-towners that come to Dublin for special occasions aren’t used to city life, and that these country people aren’t always prepared for Dublin, or know how to behave.
(For those not entirely familiar with Irish slang- a culchie is someone who lives in Ireland but does not have a Dublin postal code. In general, the further you live from Dublin, the more of a culchie you are.)
As an upstanding citizen of Dublin, I decided to put together a guide to let you know what you can expect and what behaviors you will want to avoid. I have broken this down into several categories so that, should you need advice, you can look up the corresponding section and find the advice you’re looking for.
So whether you’re in town for a football match, a bachelor party or a Garth Brooks concert, keep your eye on this guide to make sure you don’t stand out as a country bumpkin to us big city folk.
City life
Dublin is a big city, with about 1.4 million people in it, so it’s going to be busy to an extent you will not have ever witnessed in your home town in Kerry or Leitrim. There are people everywhere and, now that tourism is a thing again, it’s even busier so keep your eyes open.
Dubliners, like New Yorkers, are nearly always busy or on their way to something so we don’t always have time to chat on a street corner for 10 minutes. We’re not rude. We’re busy.
Dublin is home to people from about 160 different countries, so you will encounter many people with appearances unlike what you’ve been used to back in Offaly. This is nothing to be worried about, these people live and work here and contribute their bit to Dublin society. When you hear people speak an arcane language that you don’t understand, again, this is no reason for distress. As a bit of a general guideline, when they have a tan skin, they are probably speaking Portuguese because they are from Brazil and if they have a pale skin, they are probably speaking Polish. They all speak English too, so if you want to ask for directions or engage in conversation you’ll have no problem.
Speaking of asking for directions- here’s an important thing to remember: Us Dubliners don’t know street names. If you ask us where Portland Row is, or Kelvin Place, we have no clue what you’re talking about. You have to give us a specific location, like a pub or a landmark or a museum and then we’ll tell you where to go.
So when you go on your way to said destination, here’s something else to keep in mind: traffic lights, to us, are meaningless. They are like trees or park benches or other landscape features: you can choose to observe and appreciate them, or you can just completely ignore them, which is what nearly all Dubliners do.
When crossing the road, the color of the light is not important. It’s whether there is a reasonable chance of getting hit by oncoming traffic. No traffic? Cross the road and ignore the red light.
While this may sound careless to law abiding citizens like yourself, there is one group of road users that you need to be particularly careful of- cyclists.
Dublin cyclists have a spectacular disregard for traffic rules and just pedal ahead regardless of what’s coming their way, just assuming they won’t get hit by a car or bus.
One particular group of cyclists needs a special mention here and that’s the cyclists who work for a service called Deliveroo.
This is a food delivery service that allows you to order food from your favorite restaurants through a mobile phone app, and the app will then get one of their delivery people to drop it off at your house about half an hour later. They’re easily recognizable as they wear bright green jackets and large backpacks the size of a bar top fridge.
These guys get paid per delivery so they race around Dublin on electric bicycles at breakneck speeds and they stop for nothing and nobody so, when you see one approaching, be especially cautious.
When in the city, you will notice that there are small trains constantly cruising through the city. These are called trams and are a handy way of getting to parts of the city that are a bit further out. You can buy a ticket from one of the machines on the platforms that surround every stop.
If you’re approached by a person in a dirty tracksuit or other worn-out attire, and you inevitably will, and they ask you for “moony foor the boos” or “change for a cup of tea” feel free to ignore them, or just let out a stern “No!”. These people are either homeless or alcoholics or junkies and will spend your donations on cheap cider or heroin so stay clear.
You will encounter several religious lunatics standing on street corners preaching to the passing crowds. Everyone ignores them so feel free to do the same.
Sports & entertainment
If you are in town for a RUGBY or SOCCER match, DO NOT COME TO CROKE PARK!!
Croke Park is for GAA only, not rugby or soccer.
Okay, and Garth Brooks concerts.
Rugby and soccer are played at the AVIVA stadium on the other side of town, so get out of D3.
Hill16 is Dublin only. Even if Dublin isn’t playing, you’re still an intruder and should be ashamed of yourself.
Stephen Cluxton is the greatest football player of all time. If you even attempt to debate this, you will be escorted to the nearest bus station by a large man with a crowbar and put on the next service back home, with a stern warning never to return.
We have several cinemas for your entertainment. Some of them offer the standard Hollywood fare like Marvel movies and other big name releases, and some, like the Irish Film Institute, will offer small budget independent movies, so make sure to closely read the description of the movie or you might find yourself spending 3 hours watching a documentary about wheat farmers in Iran.
We have numerous theatres, the most famous one being the Grand Canal theatre. They mainly show musicals so it may not be something that you would want to go to, but if you do, the opportunity is there.
Yes, we do have a few clubs where women will take their clothes off in front of you. You can go there but be prepared to pay the price of a 12 pack of Bulmers for a single bottle of beer.
Food & drink & nightlife
The main nightlife district is called Temple Bar. It is situated just South of O Connell Bridge and this is where you will want to spend your time.
It is a lively area with live music every day. It is not engineered at all and really spontaneous and fun, so go check it out.
This will also ensure that us Dubliners can keep the real pubs to ourselves.
If you really want to stay out late, there are a number of nightclubs along a place called Harcourt Street that stay open until 4 or 5 AM. The most popular ones are called Dicey’s Garden and Copper Face Jacks. They’re both flea infested sinkholes but for some reason people seem to like them. Go check it out. You may even find a nice girl who is drunk enough to make out with you.
The big city does not come cheap. You can forget about getting a pint of Guinness for 4 Euro like back home in Roscommon and will be paying somewhere between 6 and 7, unless you’re in Temple Bar, where you’ll be paying 8.
A word of warning, and this is especially important for you folk from Tipperary- not all pubs sell Bulmers. Most of them will but a good few will have brands like Kopparberg, MacIvors or Dan Kelly’s instead. There is no need to panic about this as this is perfectly fine cider, it’s just different from back home. There is no need to repeat your request for 4 pint bottles of Bulmers more than twice. If the bartender says they don’t sell Bulmers, they don’t. Move on.
For those of you that are interested in drinks beyond the realm of Guinness, Bulmers and Heineken, we have a score of craft beer bars. These serve beers from smaller breweries, both Irish and International.
These will taste unlike anything you’ve had in Westmeath, but they are worth a try. Again, this won’t come cheap and you’ll easily pay 6 Euro for a 33cl glass, but they are also stronger than your regular Guinness or Budweiser so you’ll get a good bang for your buck.
Expect to pay 15 Euro for lunch.
Cheeseburgers from venues other than McDonald’s or Burger King will cost 9 Euros.
We have many exotic restaurants with foods from all over the world here that you will not have encountered back home in Offaly so it can be a bit intimidating.
Expect to see food from Far Flung Places like Korea, Morocco and Mexico, among many others. If you’re not used to spicy food, which you probably aren’t, stick to European cuisines like Italian, or just go to a traditional pub and order a Beef and Guinness pie.
One food that is particularly popular here in Dublin is something called a burrito.
You will not have encountered this back home in Carlow but it is a Mexican dish that consists of a corn maize wrap filled with rice, pinto beans, your meat of choice, cheese and sour cream.
They are delicious but, again, they can get quite spicy. There are many places that sell them, but we recommend Boojum or Pablo Picante, who both have several branches around the city.
If you drink milk WITH ANY MEAL, you will stand out as a yokel and we will laugh at you and tell jokes about your family and their intimate relationships with farm animals.
Going back home
After your wild weekend in the Big City, it is important to still observe some rules.
You will probably need to wait for a while for a bus or train back home.
If you travel by train and going to anywhere South of the line Dublin-Galway (including Galway itself) you must go to Heuston station. If you travel to anywhere North of this line, you must go to Connolly Station.
If you decide to spend your waiting time in a pub near a public transport hub, please observe that you are not home just yet, so please refrain from making lude remarks about the women you saw while here, farting or making off-color jokes about this guy from Nigeria you saw in a pub.
This is not appreciated, no matter how funny you think it is.
Your bus is here. Now get the hell out, safe home and see you next year.
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