Merry Christmas

The season’s upon us, and everybody is gearing up for Christmas. This has thrown Whamageddon back in focus, as pubs, shops and malls play festive songs all day long. 

But! As as a cultured individual (you’re reading this, after all) you might occasionally get sick of hearing Wham, Mariah and Slade for the gazillionth time and be on the lookout for something else.

Fear not, dear reader! I have assembled an alternative catalogue of Christmas songs for you to enjoy and consider that THIS is all you wanted for Christmas.


Let’s get started! 



5. The Business- Bollocks to Christmas.


Long time staples of the scene, The Business are a household name in punkland. 

They formed in 1979 and stuck around until their frontman Micky Fitz died of lymph gland cancer in 2016. 

While most of their songs deal with typical punk topics such as criticism of the government and the struggles of life in modern society, their most famous song, or biggest hit if you will, is the football anthem “England 5 - Germany 1” which celebrates the humiliation of long term rival Germany in a World Cup qualifying match in 2001. 

A bit less known, however, is their 1981 Christmas song “Bollocks to Christmas” in which they describe their aversion to the miserable winter weather, rampant consumerism, and forced happy family time associated with the holiday season. 


Bollocks to Christmas for me this year.

I’m gonna have another beer.



https://youtu.be/tHg8DK4132Q?si=vOtV1z83mXxr-A6h



4. Onkel Tom - Ich glaub Nicht an die weihnachtsmann.


Tom Angelripper’s day job is being the singer and frontman of legendary German thrash metal band Sodom. But like many people, he has interests beyond his day job. Some people play golf on their weekends, others take pottery classes and yet others spend their free time and disposable income on model trains. 

Tom Angelripper, however, decided to make more music.

One side project is called Desperados, a “cowboy metal” band, as he calls it himself, which mainly has songs about the old Wild West, saloons, duels and life on the plains. This project is quite obscure, and even within the metal world few people are familiar with it. 

His other side project is better known and goes by the name of Onkel Tom. 

The purpose of this project is to take traditional German pub songs and turn them into thrash metal. Many famous tunes have gotten the Onkel Tom treatment, such as ‘Die kneipe in unsere strasse’, a German version of ‘The red rose café in the harbour’, “Was wollen wir trinken?” (What are we going to drink?), “Den teufel hat den schnapps gemacht” (The devil created schnapps) and, my personal favorite, “Es gibt kein bier auf Hawaii” (There’s no beer on Hawaii), a cover of German schlager legend Heino, in which the singer laments his lot in life- his fiancé wants to go on honeymoon to Hawaii, but he has been told there is no beer on Hawaii, so he tries to convince her to go to Pilzen instead because the beer is nice there, but she rejects the idea which results in the situation that he remains unmarried. 

Then, in 2000, the band surprisingly released a Christmas album. The 16 songs are the usual mix of thrashed up traditional songs, covers of famous Christmas songs and a handful of originals, of which this song, also the title track of the album, is most well known. 

In the song, the narrator complains about Santa Claus, and that Santa never gets him what he asks for, as he still doesn’t have a Ferrari in front of his house, or a fridge full of beer. In the end, he concludes that Santa is a lazy fat fuck who just drops off presents as fast as he can so he can get drunk in a strip club. 


Like The Business before him, he seems disillusioned by Christmas 😊



https://youtu.be/VDhT-QfAxXk?si=E7ZfI5290pxnSgg1


3. Ramones - Merry Christmas  (I don’t want to fight tonight).

You didn’t think I was going to write a story about music and let you get away without having to listen to a Ramones song, did you? 

As anyone with a good taste in music will tell you, The Ramones are the greatest band in the history of human civilization so their Christmas song also ranks up there with the best. 

There’s not too much to say about this song, other than that the band hope to have a peaceful Christmas without arguments in the family. This, as you can see in the video, isn’t always easy. 

At 3.38, this is quite a long song for Ramones standards, but the first 30-or-so seconds, as well as the final 40, are enacted parts for the video and not actually part of the song. 


A Christmas classic for sure. 





https://youtu.be/KIhIBFPtnoc?si=GSfnq9vrvyklMbwX


2. Dropkick Murphys - The Season’s upon us


Dropkick Murphys are one of my Top4 favorite bands of all time. Their music is loud, energetic and fun. Their live shows are among the best I’ve ever seen and the whole venue is one Big Party from the word go. 

In this video, their singer Ken Casey describes what the family Christmas celebrations in his house look like. His sisters are nut jobs, their husbands are losers, everybody is drunk the whole time (hey, gotta live up to those Irish roots!) and his nephews are constantly up to no good. 

In the end his house is a mess, everyone is still drunk, but they had a great time. 


Some families are messed up 

While others are fine

If you think yours is crazy

You should see mine! 



https://youtu.be/qTx-sdR6Yzk?si=QmwuVppakp71QbDH


1. Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis

Run DMC are an important band for several reasons. They were the first rap group to break into the real mainstream, due to their collaboration with Aerosmith on their most famous song Walk This Way.
This also warmed the public to the idea of rock bands working together with hip hop artists to create a cross-over genre which led to many classic songs.
The highlight of this, in my humble opinion, is the soundtrack to the 1993 movie Judgement Night starring Emilio Estevez and Denis Leary. While the movie is entertaining, though not exactly Oscar material, the real highlight of the film is its soundtrack. The 11 songs on it are all collaborations between a famous rock/metal band and a hip hop group or artist. Among the great songs are Just Another Victim from Helmet and House of Pain, a 3 song medley of Exploited covers by Slayer and Ice T and, my personal favorite, Another Body Murdered, a brooding and heavy song by Faith No More and Boo Yaa Tribe. 

And we all have Run DMC to thank for it. 

So, here it is- my favorite Christmas song of all time: Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC. 

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I'll see you in 2024.



https://youtu.be/OR07r0ZMFb8?si=PMjz0B5vVB65f6hs

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