So you want to be a craft beer bar.


Craft beer has been all the hype in recent years, so we, the insiders in the industry, thought it would be practical to set up some regulations to ensure the industry doesn’t get infected with cowboy entrepreneurs looking to make a quick buck. 

Therefore, if you want to call yourself a craft beer bar, you must comply with the following rules. 




  1. Your bar must be either in a prime downtown location or in a gritty, soon-up-for-gentrification neighborhood where no one really wants to live right now.


  1. You must have at least 15 taps. Anything less than that is not acceptable. A good rule of thumb is to have 1 tap per 50 square foot of floor space.


  1. You must have 1 female employee with bright blue hair. This is not debatable. 







  1. Acceptable staff footwear choices are: Vans, Converse All Stars and Doc Martens. Nike Air running shoes and Adidas Stan Smiths may be accepted, but only with a doctor’s note.

  2. Knitted beanie hats are  recommended.

  3. Your staff must all have tattoos. Exemptions can be made only for those with religious commitments and people who are allergic to needles and/or pigment. Contact your congressman/woman for information on local regulations.


  4. Food offered must be either vegan or farm-to-table meat. There is no middle way.

  5. Food is preferably served in an artsy/ironic way. Think French fries in coffee mugs, sandwiches served on prison-cafeteria-style trays, rather than plates, and cheeseburgers with meat cleavers embedded in them. If you need inspiration, check the Twitter account @wewantplates

  6. If you do not have (the space for) a kitchen, you may offer artisan cheese platters, organic cold cuts, or a combination of the two.




  1. The following music is acceptable: 

         

90s Punk revival

Grunge

80s pop classics, but only ironically. Think Kim Wilde, Duran Duran, Madonna. 

90s thrash metal revival.

Ska

Smashing Pumpkins 

          

On Friday nights, slightly more mainstream music may be acceptable, but only if there are enough people drinking beer from pint glasses.


  1. Drinking beer from pint glasses, while not strictly illegal, is frowned upon.

  2. You must have a large selection of obscure board games. Mainstream games like Ludo or Monopoly will just not cut it. Think Catan, Agricola and Smallworld.



  3. Having some sort of resident hobby club is recommended. Think Magic the Gathering, Lego or model trains.

  4. Also recommended is a Take-a-book/Leave-a-book shelf so that people have something random to read while sipping your latest elderberry infused double pastry IPA.

  5. Acceptable wall decorations include Neon signs, tin shields and brewery stickers, preferably from obscure American breweries.



  6. Customers wearing a flanel shirt get a 5% discount. Ironic hats also get 5% off.
     

  7. For people wanting soda, we recommend putting Fritz Kola on the menu. This is an obscure brand from Hamburg, Germany, that fits the craftbeer ethos. They also make orange, lemon-lime and cherry flavored sodas.

  8. To keep out the unwanted riff raff of people who just want to get drunk on cheap lager, it is important to choose the correct price point for your bar. This is ofcourse entirely up to you, but charging 6 Euro for a half pint of IPA is really not something to be ashamed of.

  9. Finally, and this is very important, make sure to keep it true. As soon as a craft brewery sells out to a big macro brewery like Heineken or ABINBEV, make sure to flush any remaining stock down the sink and organize a burning ceremony of their beer mats and any other promotional materials you may have laying around. 

  10. It is essential that you film this on your iPhone and then share your sink-flushing and merch-burning videos on Instagram.

  11. This concludes the basic ground rules for craft beer bars. 



When you have finished your application, complete with photographic proof of compliance with each of these commandments, please send it in to the Kommissariat for Beer-related Services (KBS for short) and it will be reviewed. 

You will be contacted by a representative of the Chief Communications Officer of the Craft Beer Politburo to inform you of their decision after which, if successful, you will receive a certificate that you can put on the wall to show your credentials and you may officially call yourself a genuine craft beer bar.


Kind regards, 


The Prime Bar Review Authority (PBR)

Williamsburg, Brooklyn

New York.

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